Where to begin...

This is the first post in a new journey for me.

I love sharing thoughts and feelings, but I only want to share when I feel safe. This does not feel safe. Regardless, here it all comes. I think it's important that you know that very rarely will you see me cry. But, this is being typed through tears.

I am hypercritical of everything I do. I've been told I hold myself to ridiculous standards and that I hold others to those same standards, which is extra ridiculous because no one else could ever reach them. I was taught from a very young age that you give 110% of yourself to everything you do 110% of the time. That's the standard I hold myself to.

It has taken me many years to accept the reality that what my 110% looks like may not be what someone else's 110% looks like. Sometimes people are doing the best they can. That doesn't have to mean the best I can. Their best looks different from mine and that's ok. Honestly, I think I do a really good job with this in my professional life, but I am pretty rotten at accepting that reality in my personal life.

I work insanely hard at home and at school. I have many days when I function on very little sleep and my mind is racing to a million places at once. I have a long list of things to do and while I cross a few off each day, I add dozens more. It never ends and it never slows. Somehow I manage. I can get all the things done. I take care of everyone and everything all the time. That's just what I do.

I am so thankful that I was raised to be a strong, independent woman. I can do it myself and I know I can. But, that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be nice to have someone to ask for help now and again. But if there was someone out there who could help me would I ask them? Would I recognize that asking for help doesn't mean I can't do it? Do I even see all the times that I really do need help to make everything happen? Can I find value in the help others would provide me, even if it isn't to the exact standards that I would hold myself to if I was helping someone else?

This got me thinking. Are there people around me that I am helping? I mean, actually helping. I have been working super hard this year to find ways to lift the people around me up. I make a point to offer compliments - genuine compliments - to the adults and kids in my life. I make sure that my ideas/suggestions (which I know are mine and may not mean anything to someone else) are offered in a way that is not threatening or demanding or demeaning. I try to phrase that feedback as a question or just something to think about for the future. I absolutely never want to say "You should do this" or "Why don't you try that" because I do not know it all. But, is that the impression that others have? Do others think that I am a know it all? Do I offer suggestions when it isn't appreciated or valued? Do people think I'm obnoxious? Does anyone even read what I say? Does it matter? Is anyone changed by what I am doing? Am I wasting my time?

This is my life. I am in a constant state of criticism of myself. I tell myself that this constant self-evaluation makes me better. It doesn't. It makes me sad. It hurts my heart.

Today I had a conversation with a colleague that was very valuable to me. I don't normally vent to people that I work with. I'm not sure why I did it today. I thought letting it out would make me feel better and she would tell me what I wanted to hear. She didn't. She told me the truth. It was refreshing. It was challenging to hear. It freed something in me that I needed to let go of.

There are so many things out of my control. And that's ok. If they are out of my control, then it is a waste of my time to try to control them. That doesn't mean I should give up. It means that I have to stay in my lane and do my thing. It means that I have to let go of some control and put that energy somewhere else. It doesn't mean that my plans are not valuable or important.

At school we often use the old phrase "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." That's so interesting. We can lead others anywhere we want them to go. I find that teachers are (I think by nature) a pretty compliant people that do whatever they are told. Even when I know they hate it or they think it isn't valuable or doesn't work, they will do it. But, leading them to a place of my choosing doesn't mean squat. That place may not be the right place for them or for the people in their charge. So, why am I taking them there? Why am I not supporting them to go the places that they want to go? Why do I ask questions that ask teachers to think about what I think is right instead of asking them what they think is right?

Wow. And yikes. What am I even doing?

I came home today super defeated. I left the classroom 4 years ago because I wasn't satisfied to make a difference for only a few kids. I absolutely LOVE teaching and there is nothing else in this world that I would rather do. I stepped into my current role because I could move from changing 50-60 lives to changing so many more than that. I could change the lives of every child in a school. And not just that year, but every year moving forward if I could help the teachers constantly adjust and grow and learn as the world we live in changes. I am measuring my success on the change that I have seen created. But I've got it all wrong.

The change that has been created because I've forced it isn't valuable to anyone. The change that has been created because a teacher needed and wanted it is the only thing that really matters. Eckhart Tolle said "True change happens within, not without". Changing a program here, a worksheet there, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

So, how does true change happen? How will I really be able to know if what I am doing matters? I don't get invited in to co-teach lessons (well, not often anyway - certainly not as often as I'd like). I rarely get responses to questions that I leave behind when I come visit. I don't often get to engage in conversations about new ideas and techniques or asked to come visit at a certain time because a teacher really wants to show off what they are doing. Why? How do I get to the point that I am that trusted?

The answer to that question is simpler than I thought and harder than I'd imagine. And it gave inspiration to the name for this blog.

The kind of leader I want to be is the kind of leader that walks behind them. I know there is a time to push people outside of their comfort zone to have them grow, but shouldn't that be somewhat at their discretion? And if that's what is going to happen, wouldn't they feel a lot better about that push (when they are ready for it) knowing that I'm right behind them to pick them up if they fall - with no judgement? With a listening ear to hear what they think would make it better? With hand to help them get there? With support and resources if they need it? With feedback that takes them where they want to go?

This takes trust. A lot of trust. I thought I was there, but I'm not. Unfortunately, I can't control all of that. But, I can continue to work on it. I beat myself up daily that it's been this long and I'm still not there. Very rarely in my life have I felt like a true failure, but that's where I am.

I need to rethink this. I may have failed at being a certain kind of leader. But, maybe that's not the leadership style that works for me. Or the teachers I work with. I will not fail at being the kind of leader I want to be.

To lead people, I must walk behind them.

You go. I'll follow.